Top 5 Books on Narcissistic Personality Disorder Everyone Should Read
A curated list of resources for further understanding:
- The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist ~ Debbie Mirza
- Psychopath Free ~ Jackson MacKenzie
- Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, & Codependency and Complex PTSD ~ Linda Hill
- The Narcissist Playbook ~ Dana Morningstar
- Worthy of Love ~ Debbie Mirza
Finding Freedom: Steps to Begin a New Life After Leaving a Narcissist
Encouragement and actionable steps for those starting fresh:
I would like to share some compassion with you as we begin to speak about this part of your journey. This is a very difficult time in your life, and I want you to know that I fully understand how you feel. I also realize it doesn’t really help you right now that I fully understand how you feel because, honestly, you are broken in pieces, the pain you are bearing is complete torture, and you aren’t even sure how you will make it through the next hour… let alone the next minute. You are broken and shattered. I understand because that is exactly where I had been. That is a heartbreak, pain, deep pain, physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual pain that is earth-shattering. This pain deserves critical care. You need to be in the ICU department of the hospital, and this is no joke; this is the truth. Where on this earth are the people to help when this pain is unbearable? Where is everyone? How am I supposed to do this… but how am I supposed to do this alone?
I understand… Honestly, this is exactly where I started… at rock bottom, sick, unable to move, unable to think, barely able to care for myself, throwing up multiple times a day, crying nonstop, feeling like I was stuck in a hole in the middle of nowhere, screaming, and no one was around to help me. Complete… torture! I am here today to bring encouragement and let you know that this will, in time, get better. I promise! I just don’t promise, though; I want to be able to help guide you to the steps to take to begin your healing journey as quickly as possible. I’d like to share the steps that I started to take, one very small motion at a time, through my healing journey.
Learning to face grief head-on… this was very difficult for me as I could not move past the grieving process for an extremely long period of time. My advice is to always allow yourself to feel the emotions that arise. This is very important. Each emotion that you feel will bring healing as you move through it. There can be several different emotions that arise: sadness, fear, grief, anger, loneliness, denial, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. I think most of us won’t go through all these emotions, but any that you feel, and no matter how long it takes, be patient with yourself during this time. Love yourself, and please allow yourself to go through the emotion. You won’t be sorry for feeling it.
Each day, make time for you to process your feelings. I felt that during this terrible time for myself, I needed to set the time aside to process my sadness. It wasn’t super hard to do because I was sad, well… basically, all day… every day. I gave myself that time, though. I knew I wasn’t looking to go out and have fun each night; instead, I was looking to stay in my house and take care of myself until I was feeling better. Allow yourself the time to love yourself, be there for you, and be an emotional wreck if you need to be, but open the door to process these things.
If you are having issues with Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Night Terrors, or anything of this nature, please reach out to a doctor who is able to provide you with medication and reach out to a therapist who is able to understand the narcissistic abuse you have gone through and begin a relationship with that person to talk to about these things. These issues you are experiencing are highly important to be sure you have the proper medication to help you get through this time. It very well can be “situational” due to everything that is happening, but I do believe as a survivor of this trauma, many times we are struggling with these issues due to the abuse that has been done to us, even when we didn’t realize it. It is imperative to seek medical help for these issues, and within about 8 weeks, your body will start to adjust to the medications, and you will start to feel a much deeper sense of peace within you. The medication will not take away what happened, of course, but it will allow your body to adjust accordingly to what is needed, and from there, you will be able to start to process – slowly (I use the word slowly many times because I do not want anyone who reads this book to believe they need to be in a hurry, there is no hurry, and when the time comes for complete healing, then so be it) – some of the trauma you have endured.
Give yourself grace, silence, peaceful surroundings, fresh air, self-care, and a lot of rest; love yourself, hug yourself, and be proud every day with each step you make. No step is too small, and no day is not progress because each day you survive means you have made it one day closer to freedom. Remember who you are and remember what you have been through. Your heart will take time to heal, and you are worth all the time it takes.
Lastly, remember that you are not alone. There are many people who have been through similar situations, and the more survivors we can pull together, the better off each of us will be. We are each writing our new chapter in our life, and it’s so much better to write this story with strong supporters cheering us on rather than alone. I want no one to ever feel alone. I promise you have a place right here with me.
Understanding the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse
Explaining the patterns of idealization, devaluation, hoovering, and discarding
Idealization: This is considered the honeymoon phase. They will love-bomb you, give you elaborate gifts, shower you with affection, and make grand gestures.
Devaluation: Blame-shifting, undermining your decisions, sarcastic insults/jokes, lying, gaslighting, putting you down in front of others, playing the victim card so you feel bad, & many other things. You are left feeling like you are worthless.
Hoovering: Keeping their power and control by sucking you back in, making promises, finding ways to get your attention, time, and energy.
Discarding/Rejection: You will feel that you never mattered. The truth of who they are will reveal itself. It’s all about them and their ego. Again, they play the victim and blame you for the ending of the relationship.
Red Flags in Relationships: Early Warning Signs of Narcissism
- Lack of Empathy
- Excessive need for admiration
- Gaslighting, Controlling, Manipulating, & Self-Centeredness
- They have no friends
- Inconsistent behavior, easily triggered emotions, feelings of insecurity, seeking attention, and lack of accountability.